Jeff Smith, a.k.a. The Frugal Gourmet, read this on the air. Apparently a letter from a viewer: "I have had my turkey in the freezer for a year and a half. Will it take longer to thaw?" Thanksgiving is America's national chow-down feast the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty. This company prints calendars every year for their customers. They always include a questionnaire to gather opinions about the services they provide. One year, they included the following question about their calendar: What changes would you suggest to improve our calendar? Responses: - Attach a dollar bill to each day. - Eliminate Mothers Day! - Add more holidays. - Make every month have only 30 days. - Get rid of Mondays. - Move Thanksgiving up a few weeks (It's too close to Christ-mas) - Do all the little boxes have to have numbers in them? - What calendar? (Ask a stupid question . . .) It was slightly before Thanksgiving. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way. With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe." "Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is." (pause) "Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss." "That's not why it's there." (pause) "Ok, I give up. Why is it there?" "It's there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye." "...This time of year it's quite common for people to suffer from Cornuphobia...that is, Fear of Plenty..." A Pilgrim woman told her husband it would be nice to invite the Indians over for dinner to thank them for all their help since the arrival at Plymouth Rock. She asked him to go hunting and catch a nice big pheasant so they could have a celebration. The husband, having just gotten off the boat, wasn't much of a hunter, but he did his best and set a snare along a small path in the woods. A short while later, a pheasant came down the path and noticed the circle of strings. "Gee," it said, "That looks like a trap. Someone could get hurt in one of those." And the pheasant gingerly stepped around the trap. Soon, another pheasant came down the path and saw the snare. "Gosh!" it said. "A bird could get caught in one of those. These things shouldn't be left lying around!" The pheasant carefully stepped around the trap and went on its way. Then, a turkey came down the path. Upon seeing the snare, it said, "Wow! A trap! I wonder if it works ..." Child's View of Thanksgiving During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this. Keep your eye off the turkey dressing. It makes him blush!