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A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous.
The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if
any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved.
The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons behavior.
The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining
children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the
boys to speak with the clergyman.
The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose
my temper!"
The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually.
The 8-year-old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and
asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy made no response, so the clergyman
repeated the question in an even sterner tone,
"Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised
his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?" At
that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home slamming himself in his closet.
His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"
The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and
they think we did it!"
The Safe Bomb
A manufacturer of torpedoes for the Navy wanted to make a 'safe' torpedo. Their
initial solution was to cause the torpedo to self destruct if it made a 180 degree
change in course. On the test run for this new 'safe' torpedo the captain fired the
torpedo and nothing happened. So the captain ordered the sub back to base, executing
a 180 degree turn...
A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the
Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game. Noting that
the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where
the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten
thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the
pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction,
like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the paper reports "The pilots
fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up,
and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs.
"My boss looks on me as sort of a consultant; he told me when he wants my advice,
he'll ask for it."
"I'm a walking economy," a man was overheard saying. "My hairline's in recession,
my waist is a victim of inflation, and together they're putting me in a great
depression."
One friend to another:
"My wife got mad when I used the word puke."
"That's not such a bad word"
"Yeah, and to me that's what her dinner tasted like!"
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman who was shopping at a local supermarket
and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said,
"Wow, I wish I had your will power."
A very big man started to get into a fight with a very small man. "I'm going to
mop the floor with your face," yelled the very big man. The little man replied,
"You'll be sorry!!" "Oh, yeah? Why?" "Well, you won't be able to get the corners
very well..."
Child to mother; "My teacher thinks I'm going to be famous. She said all I have to
do is mess up one more time and I'm history!"
Judge to defendant: "Have you anything to offer the court before sentence is passed
on you?"
Defendant: "No, your Honor. My lawyer took my last dollar."
Did you hear about the freighter bound for San Francisco with a cargo of yo-yos
that got caught in violent Pacific storm? It sank 42 times.
As a patient slowly came out of the anaesthetic after surgery, he asked, "Why are
all the blinds drawn, doctor?" "There's a big fire across the street," the doctor
replied, "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."
A truck carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus overturned on the highway. The local
newspaper reported that onlookers were "stunned, befuddled, overwhelmed, astonished,
bewildered, stupefied, amazed and dumbfounded."
A man is boasting to his friends that he is taking his wife to Rome for their 40th
wedding anniversary. "What will you do for your 50th?" one of them asks.
"I'll go and get her."
Emerging from the chiropractor's treatment room, a young man said aloud in the
crowded waiting room, "I feel like a new man!" "I do, too," a middle-aged woman
responded, "but I'll probably go home with the same old one."
Headlines
"Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers"
"Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan"
"Milk drinkers are turning to powder"
"Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted"
"Squad helps dog bite victim"
"Enraged cow injures farmer with axe"
"Miners refuse to work after death"
"Two Soviet ships collide - one dies"
"Autos killing 110 a day - let's resolve to do better"
"Cold wave linked to temperatures"
"Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say"
11 Ways to Cope With Stress
11. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
10. Write a short story using alphabet soup.
9. Start a rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
8. Polish your car with ear wax.
7. Drive to work in reverse.
6. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
5. Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and drop them from high places.
4. Fill out your tax form using Roman numerals.
3. Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
2. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
1. Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa, and vice-versa.
15 Exercises We'd Be Better Off Without
Jumping on the bandwagon
Wading through paperwork
Running around in circles
Pushing your luck
Spinning your wheels
Adding fuel to the fire
Beating your head against the wall
Climbing the walls
Beating your own drum
Dragging your heels
Jumping to conclusions
Grasping at straws
Fishing for compliments
Throwing your weight around
Passing the buck
Dumb Criminal Hall of Shame
Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from
the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel
off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left
the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their
bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached
to the bumper.
Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money
in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled leaving his wallet
on the counter.
Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc.
One day, they received a call from a 47 year old woman, who wanted to have her husband
killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.
Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than
serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check…a forged check.
He got 10 years.
(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery,
and pulled a Hefty bag face mask over his head and realized that he'd forgotten to
cut eyeholes in the mask.
(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a
street level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized
that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was,(2) he could not climb back
out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly.
So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help ...
Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new home site to steal a refrigerator.
Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses,
and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain
surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up more walls, floors,
etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck,
only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck so they abandoned it.
(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and
asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and
asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man
took the cash from the clerk and fled leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total
amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.
So, Who's Workin'?
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves
133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there
are 29 million employed by the federal government. And since we KNOW they don't do a
thing, this leaves 19 million to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces (i.e. let's soak up more tax dollars while we
play "Doom"), which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and
that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting there reading this page.
No wonder I'm tired; I'm the doing ALL of the work myself.
Dialog with Children
"Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to
catch you in next." - Franklin P. Jones
A small boy is sent to bed by his father....
[Five minutes later]
"Da-ad..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
[Five minutes later]
"Da-aaaad..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
[Five minutes later]
"Daaaa-aaaAAAAD..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
The Head Hog
The secretary picked up the phone and heard a very countrified voice on the other
end saying; "I want to talk to the head hog at the trough!"
Puzzled, the secretary said, "Excuse me sir?"
He repeated; "I want to talk to the head hog at the trough!"
She then realized the man wanted to talk to the pastor. Somewhat indignant she said,
"Sir if you want to talk to our pastor, you will have to address him properly. You
should call him Pastor, or Reverend, or Brother, but you certainly cannot refer to him
as the Head Hog at the Trough!"
The man on the other end said in a country drawl, "Oh I just wanted to donate $10,000.
to the church."
The secretary promptly replied, "Can you hold please, I think the big pig just walked
through the door!"
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