Fun Files

Paradox Of Our Age

We have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints; we spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time; we have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; more experts, but more problems; more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much,
smoke too much,
spend too recklessly,
laugh too little,
drive too fast,
get too angry too quickly,
stay up too late,
get up too tired,
read too seldom,
watch TV too much,
and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.

We talk too much, love too seldom and lie too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life, not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor. We've conquered outer space, but not inner space; we've done larger things, but not better things; we've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul; we've split the atom, but not our prejudice; we write more, but learn less; plan more, but accomplish less.

We've learned to rush, but not to wait; we have higher incomes; but lower morals; more food but less appeasement; We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but have less communication; we've become long on quantity, but short on quality.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; tall men, and short character; steep profits, and shallow relationships.

These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure and less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition. These are days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier houses, but broken homes.

These are days of quick trips,
disposable diapers,
throwaway morality,
one-night stands,
overweight bodies,
and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom.

"Squawk Sheet" Humor

These reports come from actual military "squawk" sheets. For the uninitiated, "squawk" sheets are maintenance forms filed by flight crews to inform the maintenance crews of problems with the aircraft.

Comment: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Response: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Comment: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Response: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft"

Comment: "Something loose in cockpit."
Response: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Comment: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Response: "Evidence removed."

Comment: "Number three engine missing."
Response: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Comment: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Response: "Volume set to more believable level."

Comment: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Response: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Comment: "IFF inoperative."
Response: " IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Comment: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."

Response: "That's what they're there for."

Pop N. Fresh

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. He was buried on Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker and the Hostess Twinkies.

The gravesite was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".

Mr. Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children and one in the oven

A Soapy Situation

Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of it's guests. The London hotel involved submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned.

Dear Maid, Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you, S. Berman

Dear Room 635, I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today, which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory. Kathy, Relief Maid.

Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-sized Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them. S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman, My day off was last Wed, so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can be of any further assistance. Your regular maid, Dotty.

Dear Mr. Berman, The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any further complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8am and 5pm. Thank you. Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

Dear Miss Carmen, It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45am and don't get pack before 5:30 or 6pm. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me? S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman, Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8am and 5pm. Thank you, Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

Dear Mr. Kensedder, My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets. S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman, I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience. Martin L. Kensedder, Assistant Manager

Dear Mrs. Carmen, Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath-size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial. S. Berman.

Dear Mr. Berman, You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room. Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

Dear Mrs. Carmen, Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:

On the shelf under my medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of hotel-size Ivory and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and one stack of 2.
In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault to avoid further misunderstandings. S. Berman

Did You Ever Notice?

1. Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face, he gets angry? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window?

2. Have you noticed? Anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac?

5. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is "No pain, no pain."

13. I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore crash helmets.

14. Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning, buy it back for seventy-five cents.

Classics from real graves:

Here lies John Yeast,
Pardon him for not rising.

Here I lie
And no wonder I'm dead,
For the wheel of a semi
Went over my head.

Here lies Lester More.
No Les no more ...

A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him "Daddy, what's sex?" So, her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees.

The girl is somewhat awe struck with this sudden influx of new knowledge and her father finally asks "So why did you want to know about sex?"

"Oh, Mommy just said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

Support bacteria! They're the only culture some people have.

Mother rabbit to her small bunny: "A magician pulled you out of a hat. Now stop asking questions."

A computer programmer and an engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to sleep, so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep. The programmer persists and explains that it is a really easy game. He says, "I ask a question and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the engineer politely declines and tried to sleep.

The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I pay you $50!"

Now, that got the engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches for his wallet instead and hands the programmer $5.

Now it is the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The programmer looks at him with a puzzled expression, takes out his notebook computer, looks through all his references, and after about half an hour, wakes the engineer and hands the engineer $50. The engineer politely takes the $50, turns away and tries to return to sleep.

The programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well, what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.

The Question of Size

A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "QUEEN SIZE." He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Grandma, You wear the same size as our waterbed!"

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