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Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On:
A Cowboy's Guide To Life
by Texas Bix Bender
Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole
lot bigger'n you think.
If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure
it's still there.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if
they learn their lesson.
When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody
else.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.
Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know
what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your
pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
"People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never slept in a
tent with a single mosquito."
A sailor limped into sickbay with a cast on his leg, and the doctor gave him a
huge pill. Just then another sailor came in, and the doctor left the first patient.
The sailor limped over to the sink and choked down the pill. Then the doctor returned
with a bucket and said, "Now drop that pill in the bucket and we'll soak your foot."
A man goes to the doctor and says:
"It hurts when I press here" (pressing his side)
"And when I press here" (pressing the other side)
"And here" (his leg)
"And here, here and here" (his other leg, and both arms)
So the doctor examined him all over and finally discovered what was wrong. He
exclaimed, "You've got a broken finger!"
Calvin Coolidge probably did less talking than any other President of the United States.
A Washington hostess once boasted she could make President Coolidge talk. One night
at a dinner party, she tried to make her boast good. "Oh, Mr. President," she said,
"I have just made a bet that I can make you say at least three words." And Mr.
Coolidge replied, "You lose."
Wife to her friend, "I'll never forget the first time I saw Andy. He was standing
on a hill, his hair was blowing in the breeze, and he was too proud to run after it."
Two men were busy boasting to each other. The first continued, "...Why, I can get in
my truck first thing in the morning and drive all day before I reach the other side of
my property." The second guy replied, "I used to have a truck like that, too!"
A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are you hiring any help?"
she asked. "No," the manager replied. "We already have all the staff we need."
"Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?" she asked.
A household maid had just been fired. Extracting five dollars from her purse, she
threw it to Rover, the family dog. When asked why by her former employer, she
answered, "I never forget a friend. That was for helping me clean the dishes all this
time."
Scientist #1: "I've found a liquid that will eat through anything!"
Scientist #2: "That's great!"
Scientist #1: "Yeah, but for some reason I can't find anything to hold it in..."
Because of a dense fog, a Mississippi steamboat had to stop at the mouth of the
river. A woman passenger demanded to know the cause of the delay. "I can't see up
the river," the captain replied. "Fog's too thick." "But I can see the stars overhead,
" the woman pointed out. "Yes," the captain growled, "but unless the boilers explode,
we're not going that way!"
"Dad , can you write in darkness?"
"Oh yeah son! I used to do it in my college days."
"Well , I will switch off the lights. You can then sign my report card..."
Two mice were chatting in a laboratory: "And how are you getting on with your
professor?" one asked the other. "Oh excellently," he answered. "I have him thoroughly
trained. Every time I ring the bell, he gives me food!"
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Melissa: I just burned a hundred dollar bill.
Sarah: Wow! You must be rich!
Melissa: Not really. The bill was from my dentist!
Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said,
"Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only
2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
An orchestra leader had a terrible temper. One day he threw his baton at a musician
and killed him. He was tried, convicted and sentenced to the chair. When he survived
the first jolt he said, "I guess I'm just a bad conductor."
An electrician was fixing a light socket in a mansion. When the house maid noticed he
had muddy boots and was standing on a nicely polished antique table, she warned him,
"You'd better put something under your feet." He replied, "Don't worry, ma'am, I'm
tall enough."
I don't mind telling you, I'm worried sick. I put a Valentine card and my income tax
return into the same mail. Now I can't remember which one I signed "Guess Who"?
A policeman stopped a lady and asked for her license. He said, "Lady, it says here
that you should be wearing glasses." The woman answered, "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied, "I don't care who you know! You're still getting a ticket!"
Father to son: I don't care if the basement wall is cracking! Please stop telling
everyone you come from a broken home!
A magician finished eating rabbit stew and rushed out of a restaurant saying to the
waiter, "That rabbit stew made me sick!" The waiter, looking at him run, said,
"Well, that must be the first time a rabbit every made a magician disappear!"
"Our restaurant is the best in the world," boasted the manager. "If you order an
egg, you get the freshest egg in the world. If you order hot coffee, you get the
hottest coffee in the world, and ---" "I believe you," interrupted the customer,
"I ordered a small steak."
Classic Classifieds
Two female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 weeks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234.
Leave mess.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in
appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the
lovely pool while you drink it all in.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Three-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
A waiter, with his thumb in the middle of a steak, set the plate down in front of
his customer.
"Are you crazy!?" yelled the customer. "I'm not eating this steak after your thumb
has been all over it!"
"I had to put my thumb there!" replied the waiter, "You wouldn't want it to fall on
the floor again, would you?"
A man went into a drug store and asked the pharmacist to give him something for the
hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reached out and slapped the man's face. "What did
you do that for?" the man asked in a rage. "Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore
do you?" The man said, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"
An Australian farmer covered in blood was sitting on a stone near his farm crying,
when his neighbor passed by. "What's wrong, Bruce?" asked the neighbor. "I bought a
new boomerang," the crying Bruce replied. "So, why are you crying?" the neighbor
asked. "I can't throw the old one away!!"
A guy was in his back yard one day when he glanced over his fence and saw his
neighbor digging a hole. Being a friendly person, he asked what the hole was for.
"My canary died, and I'm burying it," replied his neighbor. "Oh, I'm sorry to hear
that," said the first guy, "but isn't that a pretty big hole for your little canary?"
he asked. "Well, it's inside your blooming cat!" replied the neighbor.
Teacher: Ben, I hope I didn't see you copying from your friend's paper.
Ben: I hope you didn't see me, too.
Q: Did you hear about the man who fell into a vat of varnish?
A: He met a terrible end, but had a beautiful finish!
"What am I supposed to do?" a young man asked his friend. "Every woman I bring home
to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like."
"Oh, that's easy," his pal replied. "All you have to do is find someone who's just
like your mother." "I already tried that," the young man cried. "My father didn't
like her!"
For the first time in many years, a friend of ours traveled from his rural town to
the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket he stopped at the concession stand
to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, my friend couldn't help but
comment, "The last time I came to the movie, popcorn was only 15 cents." "Well, sir,"
the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have
sound now."
As an airline stewardess Aunt Billie used to get annoyed when passengers disregarded
her pleas to stay seated when the plane taxied to the gate. One time, she captured
everyone by surprise by announcing: "The captain will be parking the aircraft at
Gate 41 in approximately two minutes. I've seen the captain's car and if I were you,
I'd remain seated."
A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating center and registered his
qualifications. He wanted someone who enjoyed water sports, liked company, favored
formal attire, and was very short. The computer operated faultlessly. It sent him a
penguin.
Man: Doctor, I've just swallowed a pillow!
Doctor: How do you feel?
Man: A little down in the mouth.
The police sent a set of pictures of a wanted criminal to all stations within 100km.
The set contained a front shot and two side shots. A week later they got a fax saying,
"We've caught the fellow in the middle but we're still looking for the other two."
A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer in
charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if
she wished to give her husband any message if they found him. "Yes," she replied
readily. "Tell him: Mother didn't come after all."
A guy dies suddenly without writing a will. The distressed widow goes to a lawyer,
and explains the problem. Lawyer asks, "Did your husband say anything to you before
he died?"
"Yeah, he said: Mary, you can't hit the broad side of a barn with that thing, so
put it down."
Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of
captivity, they can train humans to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw
them fish.
Q: What do you call a cow that's just had a baby?
A: Decalfinated
Inside a University Textbook: This is not a publication to toss aside lightly. It
should be thrown aside with great force.
Two boys went out duck hunting for the first time. They were out in the cold morning
for hours and though ducks were everywhere they hadn't been able to get even one.
Finally, one boy says to the other, "Maybe we ought to give this up." The other
replies, "Naw, let's give it a while longer." "C'mon, let's face it, we just ain't
duck hunters." "Well, let's keep trying. Maybe we're just not throwing the dogs up
high enough."
When my community started the curbside recycling program, the time of pickup varied.
One day I didn't have my box out at the curb, but noticed that the truck was circling
the crescent facing my house. I ran out and waited at the nearest house on the
crescent. As I handed the box over to the driver, I attempted to explain my presence
by saying, "I missed you."
Without hesitation the young man responded, "I missed you too."
"Charlie, why don't you play golf with Ted any more?" Charlie's wife asked. "Would
you play golf with a chap who moved the ball with his foot when you weren't watching?"
Charlie replied. "Well, no," admitted his wife. "And neither will Ted," replied the
dejected husband.
"Were there any new orders while I was out?" a shop manager asked his new assistant.
"Only one," she replied. "Two men ordered me to put up my hands while they took
the cash register."
"Your daughter has fingers like light lightening bolts," a piano teacher told one
pupil's mother. "You mean because they're so fast?" asked the mother. "No," replied
the teacher, "Because they never strike twice in the same place."
A man sits next to another on a plane, and introduces himself, "My name is Bond,
James Bond." The other replies, "My name is Damme, Van Damme, Claude Van Damme,
Jean Claude Van Damme."
A diner was agitated that the waiter had brought him no spoon with his coffee.
"This coffee," he said loud enough for most of the other patrons to hear, "is going
to be pretty hot to stir with my fingers."
The waiter reddened, made a hasty retreat to the kitchen and returned shortly with
another cup of coffee. "This one isn't so hot, sir," he beamed.
Joey and his classmates had just finished a tour of the local fire hall. Before
each student could leave, the fire chief quizzed him. The fire chief asked little
Joey, "What do you do if your clothes catch on fire?" Joey replied promptly, "I don't
put them on."
In our hospital, we put small tags on patients to indicate the foods they are
allergic to. One day, an irate visitor approached me and demanded, "Who put a sign
that says BANANAS on my mother???"
A woman telephoned an airline office in NY and asked, "How long does it take to fly
to San Francisco?" "Just a minute," said the man who answered. "Thank you," said the
woman and she hung up.
"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked. "Nine A.M." came the
reply, "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask
a question like that?" "Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian replied. "Why do you want to get in before
nine A.M.?" "Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."
Alaskan: Our state is larger than yours.
Texan: It won't be when it melts.
One day Aunt Billie was pulled over by a police officer. The officer walked up to
her window and said, "Didn't you see that stop sign? You went right through it!"
Aunt Billie replied, "Yes, I saw it sir, but I don't believe everything I read."
Coach Jones called the young lad in from center field during a Little League game
for a conference. "See here Larry," said the coach, "You know the principles of good
sportsmanship at Little League games. You also know we don't tolerate temper tantrums,
shouting at the umpire, or abusive language. Do you understand?" "Yes sir," replied
Larry. "Well, then Larry," sighed Coach Jones, "Would you please try to explain it
to your mother?"
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and was generally
being a nuisance by acting like a hot shot. He flew three rolls around the lumbering
old bomber and said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better." The
veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot." The B-52 continued its flight,
straight and level. Perplexed, the hot shot asked, "So? What did you do?" "I just
shut down two engines, kid."
A boy called the doctor..
"Doctor, doctor come quick, my younger brother has swallowed my pen."
"I'll be right over - what are you doing in the meantime?"
"I'm using a pencil..."
A little old lady was at the immigration office taking a citizenship test. The
official asked her, "Do you advocate the overthrow of the government by violence
or subversion?" She stopped to think for a moment and then answered, "Violence, I think."
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking
for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged
bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as
fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained
on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell
flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the
cabin. The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside,
"You skin this one while I go and get another!"
I received a letter from my bank the other day, telling me, "This is the last time
we're going to spend 45 cents to tell you that you have fifteen cents!"
I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes.
They freak out and yell "Whoa, I'm way too high!!"
Employee: You'll have to give me a raise, Sir. Three companies want me.
Boss: Really? What three companies?
Employee: The Electric Company, the Telephone Company, and the Water Company.
A little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he tapped his teacher on
the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get
better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking."
A taxi driver was ferrying a man through a small town when the man pointed to a
building and said, "See that building, in Washington we have buildings 100 times
larger than that!" The cabby replied, "I'm not surprised... That's an asylum."
A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend. "It sounds as if you
had a great time in Texas," their friend observed. "But didn't you tell me you were
planning to visit Colorado?" "Well," the husband replied, "We changed our plans
because, uh..." His wife cut in, "Oh, tell the truth, Fred!" He fell silent and
she continued, "You know, it's just ridiculous. Fred simply will not ask for
directions."
Judge: "Do you wish to challenge any of the jury?"
Prisoner: "Well, I think I can lick that little fellow on this end..."
Returning to her seat after visiting the snack bar, the woman asked a man at the
end of a row, "Pardon me, but did I step on your foot before?" Expecting an apology,
the man replied, "It so happens that you did." The woman nodded and said, "Good.
Then this is my row."
"Tell me Doctor," asked a patient, "When I stand on my head, the blood rushes to it.
Why doesn't it rush to my feet now?" "That's because your feet aren't empty,"
replied the Doctor.
Walking down the street, a man passes a house and notices a child trying to reach
the doorbell. No matter how much the little guy stretches, he can't make it.
"Let me get that for you," the man calls out as he bounds onto the porch and rings
the bell. "Thanks mister," says the kid. "Now let's run."
Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the swimming pool."
"I wonder whether it's really bad luck to have a black cat cross your path."
"That depends whether you're a man or a mouse."
At a party a woman was talking to a doctor. "What kind of a doctor are you?" she asked.
"A Naval surgeon," he replied.
"My, how you doctors specialize," she said.
Fisherman: "I tell you it must have been ten feet long! I never saw such a fish!"
Friend: "I believe you."
A heavily booked commercial flight out of Denver was canceled, and a clerk was
rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger
pushed his way to the front and slapped his ticket down on the counter. "I HAVE
to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST class!" he yelled.
"I'm sorry, sir," the clerk replied. "I'll be happy to help you, but I have to take
care of these folks first."
The passenger was unimpressed. "Do you have any idea who I am?" he demanded in a
voice loud enough for the passengers behind him to hear.
Without hesitating, the clerk smiled and picked up her public-address microphone.
"May I have you attention, please?" she broadcast throughout the terminal. "We have
a passenger here at the gate who does not know who he is. If anyone can help him find
his identity, please come to the gate." As the man retreated, the people in the
terminal burst into applause.
A boy and his father visiting from a third world country were at a local mall were
amazed by almost everything they saw but especially by two shiny, silver walls that
could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this,
Father?" The father replied, "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life,
I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair
rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady
rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father
watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued
to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again
and a beautiful young woman stepped out.
The father then said to his son, "Go get your mother."
A middle aged guy, an old man and a teenager were on a plane when the pilot came
running out of the cockpit screaming, "We're going to crash!" The pilot grabs one
of the parachutes in the hold, jumps out of the plane and yells, "There's only two
left, you three choose amongst yourselves!"
The middle aged guy instantly hops up, grabs a chute and bails out. The old man looks
at the teenager and says, "Son, you take the last chute - I have lived a good life and
your life is still ahead of you."
The teen replies, "Don't worry about it pops, that guy just jumped out with my
knapsack!"
Two men were examining the output of the new computer in their department. Eventually
one of them remarked: "Do you realize it would take 400 men 250 years to make a mistake this big?"p>
A Yale English professor complained to the pet shop proprietor that the parrot he
purchased used improper language.
"I'm surprised," said the owner. "I've never known that bird to swear."
"Oh, it isn't that," explained the professor. "Yesterday I heard him split an
infinitive."
The relatives of the family's rich dowager gathered for the reading of her will after
her long awaited death.
"Being of sound mind," read the lawyer, "I spent every last cent before I died."
Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?
Defendant: No, I certainly did not!
Prosecutor: Are you aware of the penalties for perjury?
Defendant: Yes, I am and they're a heck of a lot better than the penalty for murder.
A man was passing a country estate and saw a sign on the gate. It read: "Please ring
bell for the caretaker." He rang the bell and an old man appeared.
"Are you the caretaker?" the fellow asked.
"Yes, I am," replied the old man. "What do you want?"
"I'd just like to know why you can't ring the bell."
Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son: Just a radio, dad... With a sports car around it.
Sign outside a house: Drums for Sale
Sign outside neighboring house: HOORAY!!!
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