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Did You Hear That Correctly?
Listen carefully to the following riddles. Pay attention to what is said, and see
if you can hear the "catch."
1. Is there a federal law against a man marrying his widow's sister?
2. Do they have a fourth of July in England?
3. How many birthdays does the average man have, and how many does the average woman have?
4. How many pairs of animals did Moses take with him on the ark?
5. An explorer claims he has dug up a coin that is clearly dated 46 B.C. How do we know he is a liar?
6. If you had only one match and entered a cold room that had a kerosene lamp, an oil heater, and a wood stove, which would you light first in order to get maximum heat?
7. The Detroit Tigers and the Cleveland Indians played five baseball games. They each win three games. There are no ties, and there are no disputed games. How is this possible?
8. A man builds an ordinary house with four sides, except that each side has a southern exposure. A bear comes to the door and rings the doorbell. What color is the bear?
1. Is there a federal law against a man marrying his widow's sister?
A man cannot marry his widow's sister. For his wife to be a widow, the man would have
to be dead.
2. Do they have a fourth of July in England?
Of course they have a 4th of July in England. They just don't celebrate it because it
isn't their independence Day.
3. How many birthdays does the average man have, and how many does the average woman
have?
Men and women only have one birthday. Each year after that is a celebration of the
anniversary of that birthday.
4. How many pairs of animals did Moses take with him on the ark?
Moses took no animals on the ark. Noah did.
5. An explorer claims he has dug up a coin that is clearly dated 46 B.C. How do we
know he is a liar?
Since no one knew when Christ would be born, it would be impossible to date
coins "B.C." before Christ.
6. If you had only one match and entered a cold room that had a kerosene lamp, an
oil heater, and a wood stove, which would you light first in order to get maximum heat?
You would light the match first.
7. The Detroit Tigers and the Cleveland Indians played five baseball games. They
each win three games. There are no ties, and there are no disputed games. How is this
possible?
It's possible because the Tigers and the Indians did not play against each other.
8. A man builds an ordinary house with four sides, except that each side has a
southern exposure. A bear comes to the door and rings the doorbell. What color is
the bear?
The bear would be white. The only place a house could be built with four southern
exposures would be right at the North Pole. Therefore, it would have to be a polar
bear.
Riddle Time
1. The maker doesn't want it; the buyer doesn't use it; and the user doesn't see it.
What is it?
2. A child is born in Boston, Massachusetts to parents who were both born in Boston,
Massachusetts. The child is not a United States citizen. How is this possible?
3. Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain on Earth?
4. Clara Clatter was born on December 27th, yet her birthday is always in the summer.
How is this possible?
5. Captain Frank and some of the boys were exchanging old war stories. Art Bragg
offered one about how his grandfather led a battalion against a German division during
World War I. Through brilliant maneuvers he defeated them and captured valuable
territory. After the battle he was presented with a sword bearing the inscription
"To Captain Bragg for Bravery, Daring and Leadership. World War I. From the Men of
Battalion 8." Captain Frank looked at Art and said, "You really don't expect anyone
to believe that yarn, do you?" What's wrong with the story?
1. The maker doesn't want it; the buyer doesn't use it; and the user doesn't see it.
What is it?
A coffin
2. A child is born in Boston, Massachusetts to parents who were both born in Boston,
Massachusetts. The child is not a United States citizen. How is this possible?
The child was born before 1776.
3. Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain on Earth?
Mount Everest was still the highest; it just hadn't been discovered yet.
4. Clara Clatter was born on December 27th, yet her birthday is always in the summer.
How is this possible?
She lives in the Southern Hemisphere.
5. Captain Frank and some of the boys were exchanging old war stories. Art Bragg
offered one about how his grandfather led a battalion against a German division
during World War I. Through brilliant maneuvers he defeated them and captured
valuable territory. After the battle he was presented with a sword bearing the
inscription "To Captain Bragg for Bravery, Daring and Leadership. World War I.
From the Men of Battalion 8." Captain Frank looked at Art and said, "You really
don't expect anyone to believe that yarn, do you?" What's wrong with the story?
No inscription made during World War *One* would use the term "World War I."
One Liners
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the
passengers in his car.
A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time his eyes focus well
enough to see you clearly.
Wear a smile and have friends; wear a scowl and have wrinkles.
Better to be thought a fool then to open your mouth and prove it.
Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are
furious!
Sometimes I feel like I'm caught between a dog and a fire hydrant.
Nothing in the world can replace the modern swimsuit, and it practically has.
If your parents didn't have any children, chances are you won't either.
A road map will tell us everything we need to know... Except how to fold it up again.
And on the 8th day God said, "Ok, Murphy, you're in charge."
Do you believe in love at first sight or do you want me to walk by again?
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and
asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. "$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.
"That's too much," said the farmer. The pilot thought for a second and then said,
"I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a
sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."
The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the
pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You
are a brave man." "Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost
screamed when my wife fell out."
Baby snake: Mommy, are we poisonous?
Mother snake: Yes honey, but why do you want to know?
Baby snake: Well, I just bit my tongue...
Young Johnny's teacher asked him, "Johnny, give me a sentence using the words,
'bitter end' in it." Little Johnny thought for a moment and replied, "Our dog chased
our cat and he bitter end."
A visitor at a college which had security call boxes every few hundred feet. If you
were wandering around the campus at night and felt uneasy about somebody following
you, you could hit the button and a security officer would come immediately. On one
of these boxes hung a sign that said, "Out of Order." Underneath someone had scrawled,
"Keep Running."
Recently, while stopped at a traffic light in the suburbs of Boston with an
out-of-state friend, a police car pulled up next to us. On the side was written in
large letters: "Newton Police." My friend's immediate response was, "I wonder what
they do, enforce the Law of Gravity, maybe?"
A cop pulled a car over on the highway for speeding. When he asked for the driver's
license, the driver argued, "Speeding??? But officer, I was only trying to keep a
safe distance between my car and the car in back of me."
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1999, Turbo Beep Beep.
It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs around $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops at a red light. An old man on
a Moped (looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over
the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies "A 1999 Turbo Beep Beep. They cost $500,000.
"That's a lot of money," replies the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 420 miles an hour!" states the young man proudly.
The Moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure," replies the owner.
So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his
moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then, the light changes, so the young guy decides to show the old man what his
car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 420 MPH.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror that seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips
by him, going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Turbo Beep Beep?" the young man asks
himself.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again,
heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped!
"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Turbo Beep Beep?"
Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the
back of his car. The young man jumps out. It is the old man!!! Of course the moped and
the old man are hurting for certain.
He runs up to the old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man groans and replies, "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"
Three elderly ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says,
"You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of
the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the
edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!"
The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been,
knock on wood." She raps the table and then with a startled look on her face, she
asks, "Who's there?!"
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty
bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy
turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much
alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very
sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
A customer walked into a restaurant and saw a sign on the wall that said, "$500 if
we fail to fill your order." When a waitress came to his table he ordered elephant
ears on rye. She went into the kitchen and a few minutes later the angry restaurant
owner came out, laid five $100 bills on the customer's table and said, "You got me
this time, buddy, but that's the first time we've ever been out of rye bread!"
One member of the bridge club was wearing a gold locket on a chain around her neck.
"That's lovely," remarked another player. "Do you keep a memento in it?" "A lock of
my husband's hair," replied the first woman. "But your husband is still alive."
"Yes," said the first, "but his hair is gone."
A father watching his daughter select a very expensive wedding gown remarked,
"I don't mind giving you away, but must I gift-wrap you, too?"
Knowing my husband's habit of sampling everything I bake, I left a note on a dozen
mince tarts reading, "Counted - one dozen." When I returned, two tarts were missing
and there was a second note that read, "Think metric."
A guy calls the hospital and yells, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!"
The nurse replies, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He says, "No! This is her husband!"
A man was dining in an expensive restaurant. The waiter came over and inquired,
"How did you find your steak, sir?" He replied, "Purely by accident. I moved the
potatoes and the peas, and Voila! there it was."
Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on
the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey,"
I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I
married."
"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"
During the first heavy snowfall of the year, I ran upstairs to my apartment to
retrieve the plastic storage box in which I kept the winter supplies for my car.
Hurrying back out of the building, I slipped on the last step, fell forward, landed
flat on my stomach on top of the container and skidded across the icy parking lot.
As I stood up, trying to restore my dignity, a voice called out to me, "Aren't those
Rubbermaid products wonderful? They just seem to have so many uses."
Last weekend Fred's credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the
thief was spending less than his wife did.
A man was giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He got a bit carried away and talked
for two hours. Finally, he realized what he had done and said, "I'm sorry I talked so
long. I left my watch at home." A voice from the back of the room replied, "There's
a calendar behind you..."
A sergeant was instructing a fledgling paratrooper before his first jump. "Count to
10 and pull the first rip cord. If that doesn't work pull the second rip cord for the
auxiliary chute. After you land, a truck will pick you up."
The paratrooper jumped, counted to ten and pulled the first cord. Nothing happened.
He pulled the second cord ...and nothing happened. He then said to himself, "I bet
the truck won't be there either!"
The voice on the telephone told me I must have dialed the wrong number.
"Are you sure?" I insisted. The stranger replied quickly, "Have I ever lied to you
before?"
I overheard two dissatisfied colleagues talking today, one was saying that he was
going to work for Euro Disney because he was fed up with his present job and wanted
to work for a real Mickey Mouse Operation.
Two fish were swimming together in the river when the little fish asked the bigger
fish, "How did you manage to grow so large?"
"My friend," he replied, "When I was your size, I learned to keep my mouth shut,
so here I am."
Father: I think our son gets all his brains from me...
Mother: Probably, I still have all mine.
A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center. Her arms were
laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep
sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.
When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked
indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"
"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and
that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time."
Why are seagulls called 'Seagulls'? If they flew over the bay, they would be called
'Bagels'?
The grass may seem greener on the other side, but both sides still need mowed.
A lady driving on Highway 89 was racing along when a policeman stopped her. "Madam,
why were you going so fast?"
"Well," the lady replied, "I saw the sign back there that said '89', and I was just
going the speed limit."
The cop sighed. "It's a good thing I caught you before you got to Highway 201."
John: I don't know what to buy - a cow or a bicycle.
Peter: Well, you'll look silly riding a cow.
John: I'll look even sillier trying to milk a bicycle.
A tourist was walking along the beach during high tide and decided he wanted a
bucket of salt water. As a joke, the lifeguard charged him a quarter.
Returning at low tide, the man remarked to the lifeguard, "Boy, you sure must
have had good business today!"
Man to marriage counselor: "My wife and I can't agree on our vacation. I want to go to
Bermuda and she wants to go with me."
After my first son was born, I spent several sleepless nights with a crying child who
had his days and nights mixed up. Once, feeling frustrated at one o'clock in the
morning, I called my mother and asked, "Mom, don't kids ever learn to sleep all night?"
"Obviously not!" she replied.
Old Ben had a really big sheep farm. Really big. When asked how many sheep he owned,
he replied, "I really don't know. Every time I try to count them I fall asleep."
The new minister was talking to the oldest member. "I am 97 years old, sir, and I
haven't an enemy in the world," said the aged one.
"That is a beautiful thought," said the clergyman approvingly.
"Yes sir," was the answer. "I'm thankful to say that I've outlived them all."
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