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* Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
* Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
* Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
* Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but
when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
* If olive oil is made from olives, then what is baby oil made from?
* If vegetarians eat vegetables, then what do humanitarians eat?
* Do you remember when atmospheric contaminants were romantically called stardust?
* When a doctor himself needs doctoring so that another doctor doctors the doctor,
does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor the doctor the way the doctor being
doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring of the doctor
being doctored doctor as he wants to doctor?
* Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
* What was the best thing before sliced bread?
* What would chairs look like if ours knees bent the other way?
* Is it OK to yell "theatre" in a crowded firehouse?
* Don't worry about the world ending today...It's already tomorrow in Australia.
* Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
* Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.
* Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the
enemy.
* People today vacation in places you formerly got to only by being drafted or
shipwrecked.
* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
* A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work.
* A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.
* Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
* If you have trouble going to sleep at night, lie at the very edge of the bed ...
you'll soon drop off.
* Ever notice that the Jolly Green Giant stands around laughing his head off while
the little people do all the work canning vegetables?
* Why do STAND-up comedians star in SITcoms?
* My ship came in, but I was at the train station.
* If people behaved like governments, you'd call the cops.
* If it's free, it's advice; if you pay for it, it's counseling; if you can use
either one, it's a miracle.
* They call round pieces of chicken, chicken patties and round pieces of fish,
fish patties, so why don't they call round pieces of cow, cow patties?
* Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?
* Why doesn't a flashlight flash?
* What did people go back to before there were drawing boards?
Have you ever seen...
...a home run?
...a kitchen sink?
...a rubber band?
...a cigar box?
...a king fish?
...a fire fly?
...a ginger snap?
...a salad bowl?
...a picket fence?
* Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot
to put on my pants.
* Some of the world's greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart enough to
know they were impossible.
* Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
* Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak?
* How come abbreviated is such a long word?
* If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow,
how cold is it going to be?
* Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
* Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?
* Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be
called builts?
* Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
* Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?
* Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?
* Why does sour cream have an expiration date?
* Who is general failure and why is he reading my disk?
* Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you
don't have?
* Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
* Why is the alphabet in that order?
* If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi
driver end up owing you money?
* If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees
make fun of it?
* Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
* When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like
a near hit to me!!
* Do fish get cramps after eating?
* Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of
everything outdoors?
* Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
* Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor?
* Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a
bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
* How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone
threw a gun at him?
* If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
* Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains
real lemons?
* How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
* Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
* Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
* Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
* Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
* Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
* What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
* Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
* Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
* Why aren't wrong numbers ever busy?
* Why do flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
* Why do they call it life insurance?
* The average time between throwing something away and needing it badly is about two
weeks.
* The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either
proven right or pleasantly surprised.
* Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
* Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
* What happens if you add water to a condensed book?
* Why do we play at recitals, and recite at a plays?
* Why are wise men and wise guys the exact opposites?
* Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
* Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
* How does the guy who drives the snowplows get to work in the mornings?
* Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
* Why isn't there another word for Thesaurus?
* If a cow laughed, would milk come out its nose?
* Why does the AM dial only go down to 540? What kind of good stuff are we missing on
420?
* If you're in a car going the speed of light, what would happen if you turned your
headlights on?
* The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates
how difficult it was.
* When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
* If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
* If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
* If bankers can count, how come they always have ten windows and two tellers?
* Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
* All generalizations are false.
* How can there be self-help 'groups'?
* Is there another word for synonym?
* When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
* If a deaf person swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
* It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
* I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
* The true length of a minute is determined by which side of the bathroom door you
are on.
* Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
* If you eat your peas, will a kid in South America stop starving?
* Why is it called rush hour when everything moves so slow?
* Why don't we get dizzy from the world spinning so fast?
* If fire fighters fight fire, and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom
fighters fight?
* Why do men's bicycles have crossbars?
* I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
* If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
* Consider that two wrongs never make a right, but that three lefts do.
* Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
* Why are Chinese fortune cookies written in English?
* How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
* How do I set my laser printer on stun?
* How is it possible to have a civil war?
* If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
* If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
* If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
* If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
* If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
* If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
* Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
* If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
* If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't
everyone just move 10 miles away?
* What ever happened to Preparation A-G?
But Did He Really Mean What He Said?
What He Said: "I'm going fishing."
What He Meant: "I'm going to stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
What He Said: "Let's take your car."
What He Meant: "Mine is full of cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."
What He Said: "Woman driver!"
What He Meant: "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."
What He Said: "I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
What He Meant: "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."
What He Said: "It's a guy thing."
What He Meant: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
What He Said: "Can I help with dinner?"
What He Meant: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
What He Said: "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
What He Meant: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.
What He Said: "Good idea."
What He Meant: "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."
What He Said: "Have you lost weight?"
What He Meant: "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."
What He Said: "My wife doesn't understand me."
What He Meant: "She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
What He Said: "It would take too long to explain."
What He Meant: "I have no idea how it works."
What He Said: "I'm getting more exercise lately."
What He Meant: "The batteries in the remote are dead."
What He Said: "I got a lot done."
What He Meant: "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."
What He Said: "We're going to be late."
What He Meant: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
What He Said: "You cook just like my mother used to."
What He Meant: "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
What He Said: "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
What He Meant: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
What He Said: "That's interesting, dear."
What He Meant: "Are you still talking?"
What He Said: "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
What He Meant: "I forgot our anniversary again."
What He Said: "You expect too much of me."
What He Meant: "You want me to stay awake?"
What He Said: "It's a really good movie."
What He Meant: "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and good looking women."
What He Said: "That's women's work."
What He Meant: "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
What He Said: "Will you marry me?"
What He Meant: "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
What He Said: "Go ask your mother."
What He Meant: "I am incapable of making a decision."
What He Said: "You know how bad my memory is."
What He Meant: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
What He Said: "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
What He Meant: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
What He Said: "Football is a man's game."
What He Meant: "Women are generally too smart to play it."
What He Said: "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
What He Meant: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
What He Said: "I do help around the house."
What He Meant: "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
What He Said: "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
What He Meant: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
What He Said: "I can't find it."
What He Meant: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
What He Said: "What did I do this time?"
What He Meant: "What did you catch me at?"
What He Said: "What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
What He Meant: "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."
What He Said: "She's one of those rabid feminists."
What He Meant: "She refused to make my coffee."
What He Said: "But I hate to go shopping."
What He Meant: "Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."
What He Said: "No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
What He Meant: "You may actually get it to start."
What He Said: "I heard you."
What He Meant: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
What He Said: "You know I could never love anyone else."
What He Meant: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse. "
What He Said: "You look terrific."
What He Meant: "Oh no, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
What He Said: "I brought you a present."
What He Meant: "They were handing out freebies at the mall."
What He Said: "I missed you."
What He Meant: "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
What He Said: "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
What He Meant: "If I say this often enough I might start believing it"
What He Said: "We share the housework."
What He Meant: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
What He Said: "This relationship is getting too serious."
What He Meant: "I like you more than my car."
What He Said: "Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
What He Meant: "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"
What He Said: "It sure snowed last night."
What He Meant: "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."
What He Said: "I don't need to read the instructions."
What He Meant: "I am perfectly capable of messing it up without printed help."
What He Said: "I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
What He Meant: "If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."
What He Said: "I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
What He Meant: "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-through window."
What He Said: "I broke up with her."
What He Meant: "She dumped me."
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