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After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small Southern town
decided he had enough. He told his wife that he intended to let the local barber shave
him each day. He put on his hat and coat and went to the barber shop, which was owned
by the pastor of the town's Baptist Church. The barber's wife, Grace, was working that
day, so she performed the task.
Grace shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water, and said, "That will be $20." The
man thought the price was a bit high, but he paid the bill and went to work. The next
morning the man looked in the mirror, and his face was as smooth as it had been when
he left the barber shop the day before. Not bad, he thought. At least I don't need to
get a shave every day.
The next morning, the man's face was still smooth. Two weeks later, the man was still
unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face. It was more than he could take, so
he returned to the barber shop.
"I thought $20 was high for a shave", he told the barber's wife, "but you must have
done a great job. It's been two weeks and my whiskers still haven't started growing
back."
The expression on her face didn't even change, expecting his comment. She responded,
"You have been shaved by Grace. And, once shaved, always shaved."
Doctor : I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient : Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor : The lab called with your tests results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient : 24 hours! That's terrible!! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?
Doctor : I've been trying to reach you since yesterday!
One night the captain of a Navy ship saw the light of another ship on a collision
course. He radioed to the other ship, "Please divert your course 15 degrees left to
avoid a collision."
"You divert your course 15 degrees to right to avoid a collision," came the reply.
"I am the captain if a US Navy frigate. You divert your course. "
"No, you divert your course."
"This is a large warship of the US Navy, divert your course now!!"
"This is a lighthouse. Your call."
Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because
it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that
Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did
what Anybody could have.
The clerk at the post office counter told the woman, "You have to put another stamp
on this letter, it's too heavy." She replied, "And that'll make it lighter?"
A lady who was known as Churchill's main rival in parliament was giving a speech.
Churchill, with his usual enthusiasm for his rival, dozed off while the lady was
speaking. She stopped her speech and awoke Sir Winston by yelling, "Mr. Churchill,
must you sleep while I talk?" Churchill sleepily replied, "No, ma'am. I do so purely
by choice."
An artist asked the gallery owner if anyone had shown interest in his paintings.
"I've got good news and bad news," she said. "The good news is that some guy inquired
if your paintings would appreciate in value after you died. When I told him they
would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "And the bad news?" "The guy was your
doctor."
"Warranty doesn't cover incidents owing to an air plane crash, ship sinking (or taking
on water), or a motor vehicle crash. It also does not cover damage from sonic boom
vibrations or electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts."
"Warranty does not cover damage from projectiles, which can include, but not be
limited to: arrows, bullets, shot, BB's, shrapnel, lasers, napalm, torpedoes, knives,
stones or emissions of Alpha, Beta, Gamma or X rays."
"Warranty does not cover milk coming out of your nose due to laughing while drinking"
The crofter's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was
called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the father-to-be busy, the doctor handed
him a lantern and said: "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a lusty baby boy was brought into the world.
"Ouch!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern by...I think there's
yet another wee bairn to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie
lass. "Na, dinna be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...It seems
there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
The crofter scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Well, now, mon.
Do ye suppose the light's attracting them?"
An expert on whales was telling friends about some of the unusual findings he had made.
"For instance," he said, "some whales can communicate at a distance of 300 miles."
"What on earth would one whale say to another 300 miles away?" asked an astounded
member of the group.
"I'm not absolutely sure," answered the expert, "but it sounds something like 'Can you
still hear me?'"
We've finally got the puppy paper-trained. Now if we could just get him to wait until
we've finished reading the paper!
A couple of opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting next to each
other in the local diner. "I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to
vote for me," said one.
"Oh, really?" replied the other. "I always tip them a nickel and ask them to vote for
you."
Sign on a company bulletin board: "This firm requires no physical-fitness program.
Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, running down the boss, flying
off the handle, flogging dead horses, dodging responsibility and pushing his luck."
Mrs. Mouse and her three little mice were crossing the street. Suddenly, a large cat
appeared right in front of them. Everyone froze. Mrs. Mouse stared at the Cat. The cat
locked eyes with Mrs. Mouse, her little mice shuddering behind her.
Mrs. Mouse opened her mouth and roared "WOOF! WOOF!" The cat turned tail and ran away
as fast as he could.
Mrs. Mouse turned to her three little ones and said "See, I told you how important it
is to learn a second language!"
A man lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a movie theatre. As he lay
there breathing heavily, an usher came over and said, "That's very rude of you, sir,
taking up three seats. Didn't you learn any manners? Where did you come from?" The man
looked up helplessly and said, "The balcony!"
"Johnson," the boss said, "I happen to know that the reason you didn't come to work
yesterday was that you were out playing golf." "That's a rotten lie!" Johnson
protested. "And I have the fish to prove it!"
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking
the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but
not in a row."
A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a
newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye. "What on
earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?" He smiled condescendingly.
"That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child." "Well, then," snapped
the little old lady, "why isn't it?"
Q: What did George Washington say when he got his report card?
A: 'I went down in history.'
One day a boy was riding his bicycle and got tired when he started up a hill so he
got off and decided to push the bike. A gentleman came by and stopped to offer him a
ride. He told the boy to tie the bicycle to the bumper of his car and to beep the
little horn on his bike when he was ready to stop. They were riding up the road when
a beautiful lady came by at a high rate of speed. The gentleman decided to try to
catch up with her, forgetting about the boy on the bicycle tied to his bumper. The P
oliceman was chasing after them, and he called in to the dispatcher and said "I'm
chasing two cars going 100 miles an hour, but here's something you'll never believe,
there's a boy on a bicycle behind one of the cars blowing his horn wanting to pass.
A Sunday School teacher, hard up for subjects to talk about, was discussing with her
class how Noah might have spent his time on the ark. A girl volunteered, "Maybe he
went fishing." A boy countered, "What - with only two worms!?"
Dieting Rules
If you eat something and no-one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
If you drink a diet coke/lemonade with a chocolate bar, the calories in the chocolate
bar are cancelled out by the diet drink.
When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.
Food used for medicinal purposes has no calories, e.g. hot chocolate, brandy, toast,
ice cream.
Movie-related foods have no calories as they are part of the entire entertainment
package and not part of one's personal fuel, e.g. jaffas, choc-dip ice cream, marshmallows, potato chips.
Broken biscuits have no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
Things licked from knives or spoons have no calories if you are in the process of
making something, e.g. peanut butter from a knife when making a sandwich, ice cream
from a spoon when making a sundae.
Foods that have the same color have the same calories, e.g. mushrooms and white
chocolate, spinach and kiwifruit ice cream. Note: chocolate is a universal food color
and may be substituted for any other food color.
The Seaman And The Pirate
A seaman meets a pirate in a port, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The
seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies,
"We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just
as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" said the seaman.
"What about your hook"? "Well," replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship
and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch?" "A seagull pooped
and it fell into my eye," replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull poop?"
the sailor asked incredulously. "Not exactly," said the pirate, "It was my first day
with the hook."
Computer Error Messages
A)bort, R)etry or S)elf-destruct?
A)bort, R)etry, I)gnore, V)alium?
A)bort, R)etry, I)nfluence with large hammer.
APATHY ERROR: Don't bother striking any key.
Backup not found! A)bort, R)etry or P)anic?
Backup not found: A)bort, R)etry, M)assive heart failure?
Close your eyes and press escape three times.
DYNAMIC LINKING ERROR: Your mistake is now everywhere.
Esc key to reboot Universe, or any other key to continue...
Host System Not Responding, Probably Down. Do you want to wait? (Y/N)
Press [ESC] to detonate or any other key to explode.
REALITY.SYS corrupted- reboot Universe (Y/N)?
Signature not found! reformat hard drive? (Y/N)
The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out.
USER ERROR: replace user and press any key to continue.
Virus detected! P)our chicken soup on motherboard?
Break It To Me Gently
Two brothers, John and Richard lived in the same town. John with his
12 year old cat, Richard with their 88 year old Mother. John's whole
life was his cat. He never went anywhere without her. One day he was
faced with a terrible decision. He had to go to England on business
for his company and he could not take the cat into England with having
to quarantine her for 14 days. He wouldn't do that so he was faced
with either losing his job or leaving his cat.
Finally he decided to trust his brother with the cat for the week he would
be gone. He gave Richard detailed instructions, schedules, food, etc.
Finally he flew to London and called Richard every few hours to make sure
Gracie the cat was ok.
Four days of this went by and John was really getting to be a
pain in the neck. On the fifth day when he called John asked Richard
how Gracie was and Richard told him. "Gracie is dead"!! Well as you
can imagine, John nearly had a heart attack. When he recovered he
said to Richard, "that was the most cruel thing I ever heard. You
know how much I loved that cat, why couldn't you have broken it to me
gently. You know like when I called said something like, well she's OK
but she is up on the roof. And then when I called the next time, tell
me oh oh, bad news, she fell off the roof and she's at the vets. And then
the next time break the news that she passed away. At least I would
have been a little prepared for the bad news. "Yes, you are right
John. I am sorry for being so heartless."
John accepted Richards apology for being so uncaring, and then said, oh, by
the way, how's Mother? Richard then said, "well, John, she's OK, but she's
on the roof!!
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