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A church deacon was also a local barber. He felt bad because he had not tried to witness to anyone.
One day he was alone when a customer came in for a shave. The deacon thought this was a good chance
to witness. After he had the customer lathered up and laid back in the chair, he nervously asked,
"Sir, Are you ready to die?"
The man opened his eyes- saw the barber nervously holding the razor. He jumped out of the chair,
snatched off his cape, and ran down the street with the lather blowing in the wind.
Secret Service
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was
standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the
hand and pulled him aside.
Pastor said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend said, "I'm already
in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you
except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
Just a second...
A young man once asked God how long a million years was to him. God replied, "A
million years to me is just like a single second to you."
The young man asked God what a million dollars was to him. God replied, "A
million dollars to me is just like a single penny to you."
Then the young man got his courage up and asked, "God, could I have one of your
pennies?"
God smiled and replies, "Certainly, just a second."
A Selection Of Prayers
Lord, help me to relax about insignificant details, beginning tomorrow at 11:41.23
a.m. EST
God, help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them are hypersensitive
and wrong.
God, help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually
not my fault.
God, help me to try not to run everything; but if You need some help, just ask.
Lord, help me to be more laid back and help me do it exactly right.
Lord, help me to stand up for my rights [if you don't mind my asking].
God, give me more patience, right now.
Lord, help me not to be a perfectionist [did I spell that correctly?].
God, help me to finish everything I sta
God, help me to keep my mind on one th - look, a bird - ing at a time.
God, help me to do only what I can and trust you for the rest. But it would help
if you put that in writing.
Lord, keep me open to the ideas of others, wrong though they may be.
Lord, help me to be less independent, but let me do it my way.
Lord, help me to follow established procedures today; on second thought, I'll settle
for a few minutes.
Lord, help me to slow down andnottorushthroughwhatIdo.
Lord, this one you really have to give me credit for: I did this all by myself!
God, I am happy to report that I did this great work all for you. I know you could
not do it yourself.
Oh God, I am sure you love me today as I have been so righteous and studied the
bible for two whole hours and prayed for three hours nonstop and fasted for 24 hours.
A missionary was walking in Africa when he heard the ominous padding of a lion behind
him. "Oh Lord," prayed the missionary, "Grant in Thy goodness that the lion walking
behind me is a good Christian lion."
And then, in the silence that followed, the missionary heard the lion praying too:
"Oh Lord," he prayed, "We thank Thee for the food which we are about to receive."
I bet it was really tough being an Apostle of Jesus. What if you wanted a day off?
So you call up Jesus and say, "Jesus, I'm sick today, running a little fever and
feeling congested so I won't be able to make it to today's sermon... What...?
Say that again? You say I'm cured?"
John had never gone ice fishing before and on the spur of the moment, decided to.
He started roaming around until he picked out what he thought was a good spot.
He was just getting ready to drill a hole when he heard a voice boom, "There are NO
fish under the ice."
After hearing this, Johnny moved to another spot and got ready to drill when he heard
the voice again, "There are NO fish under the ice!" "Wow," thought Johnny, "God must
really be looking after me."
Johnny found another spot and got ready to drill when he heard the voice, again!
"This is the ICE RINK MANAGER, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Aircraft assisted enforcement of the speed limit had just been introduced on the
highways in the area around Grand Falls and the general public was still not used to
it. Tracking one speeding motorist, the pilot radioed a patrol car, and the violator
was soon pulled over. The driver, a priest, explained to the Mountie that he was
late for a funeral. The Mountie was sympathetic but, motioning in the direction that
the plane had gone, told the priest that it wasn't up to him but rather to the guy up
there. The priest looked up and said, "I thought he was on my side."
Preacher: "The people in this church are so thoughtful.
They are dedicating a plaque to those who have died in the service."
Church Member: "Which service--morning or evening?"
Joe, a lawyer, died suddenly at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven and the
angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you."
"What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have
to die now?"
"45? You're not 45, you're 102," replied the angel.
"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 102 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can
show you my birth certificate."
"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and he disappeared inside. After a few
minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you are 102. I checked all the
hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 102..."
Mommy Definitions
Amnesia: What did you just ask me?
Apathy: I don't care.
Dyslexia: Beeing Sackwards
Egotistical: I'm the best person to answer that question.
Evasive: Go do your homework.
Ignorance: I don't know.
Indifference: It doesn't matter.
Influenza: You've got to be sick to ask me that question.
Insomnia: I stayed awake all last night thinking of the
answer.
Over-Protective: I don't know if you're ready for the
answer.
Paranoid: You probably think I don't know the answer,
do you?
Procrastination: I'll tell you tomorrow.
Repetitive: I already told you the answer once before.
Self-Centered: Well, I know the answer, that's all that
matters.
Suspicious: Why are you asking me all these questions?
Daffynitions
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and
is now growing in the middle.
Beauty Parlour: A place where some women go to dye.
Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people.
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born
and after they are dead.
Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Dust: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
Egotist: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
Gossip: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth
will do more damage.
Handkerchief: Cold Storage.
Inflation: Cutting money in half without damaging the
paper.
Myth: A female moth.
Mosquito: An insect that makes flies look good after all.
Secret: Something you tell to one person at a time.
Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction.
Tomorrow: One of today's greatest labor saving devices.
Yawn: An honest opinion openly expressed.
Wrinkles: Something other people have. You have character
lines.
Bathroom Scale: A piece of equipment which only seems to
work correctly when one holds on to towel rail, stands on one foot and leans hard to
the left.
Door: What a cat is perpetually on the wrong side of.
Lawyer: Someone who can write a 10,000-word document and
call it a brief.
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