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On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to
serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of
the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not
retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man
broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.
A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle when he came upon a
little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked
the preacher. "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle", said the
little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my
bike in trade for it?" The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after
riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."
The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. Pulling on the string a few
times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over, "I
can't get this mower to start." The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss
it to get it started."
The preacher said, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I
have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss." The little boy looked at
him happily and said, "Just keep pullin' on that string. It'll come to ya'!"
A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the
service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before
dismissing them for children's church. On this particular Sunday, he was using
squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying,
"I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what
it is." The children nodded eagerly.
"This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)..." No hands went up. "And it
is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)..." The children were looking at
each other, but still no hands raised. "And it jumps from branch to branch (pause)
and chatters and flips its tail when it's excited (pause)..."
Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The pastor breathed a sigh of
relief and called on him. "Well...," said the boy, "I know the answer is Jesus...
but is sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"
Then Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and gathering them around him, he taught
them saying,
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven
Blessed are the meek...
Blessed are they who mourn...
Blessed are the merciful...
Blessed are they who thirst for justice...
Blessed are you when persecuted...
Blessed are you when you suffer...
Be glad and rejoice, for your reward is great in heaven...
Then Simon Peter said, 'Do we have to write this down?'
And Andrew said, 'Are we supposed to know this?'
And James said, 'Will we have a test on it?'
And Philip said, 'What if we don't know it?'
And Bartholomew said, 'Do we have to turn this in?'
And John said, 'The other disciples didn't have to learn this.'
And Matthew said, 'When do we get out of here?'
And Judas said, 'What does this have to do with real life?'
Then one of the Pharisees present asked to see Jesus' lesson plans and
inquired of Jesus his terminal objectives in the cognitive domain.
And Jesus wept...
An impatient college student went to the president of the school and asked if he could
take an accelerated course that would allow him to graduate sooner. "Yes," the
president replied, "but it depends on what you want to be. When God wants to make an
oak, he takes a hundred years. But when He wants to make a squash, He takes 6 months."
The Problem of Using Computers
The age of the computer brings much each and expertise to the preparation of the
worship folders. Some churches which use the same basic format each week can simply
call up the form on the computer screen, make a few necessary changes, and presto,
it's done.
But it can be tricky.
In one church I know, they use the same format for funeral services. And when a person
dies and a funeral service is prepared, the secretary simply uses the
word-search-and-replace process and changes the name of the deceased from the previous
service to the name of the deceased who has just passed away.
Very simply.
So when Edna died, the pastor instructed the secretary to prepare the service for her
by following the above mentioned process. The last person who died was Mary. So the
secretary instructed the computer to change all "Marys" to Ednas." And so it was.
Image the surprise of the attendees when they recited the Apostles Creed and read:
"He was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the Virgin Edna."
Words Not Yet In The Dictionary
CARPERPETUATION: (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when
vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching
over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one
more chance.
DISCONFECT: (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of
candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will remove all
the germs.
ECNALUBMA: (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can
only be seen in the rear view mirror.
EIFFELITES: (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in
front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.
ELBONICS: (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people
maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theatre.
ELECELLERATION: (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken
notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
FRUST: (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses
to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he or
she finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
LACTOMANGULATION: (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n.
Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort
to the `illegal' side.
PEPPIER: (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy
restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want
ground pepper.
PETONIC: (peh ton' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to
undress in front of a household pet.
PHONESIA: (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a
phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
PUPKUS: (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window
after a dog presses its nose to it.
TELECRASTINATION: (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of
always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're
only six inches away.
Examination Humour
Incident One:
During an examination not long ago at Cambridge University in England, a student
raised his hand and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. When challenged by
the proctor to justify his request the student drew attention to the four hundred year
old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin but still nominally in effect. The section in
question read (rough translation from the Latin): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may
request and require Cakes and Ale." Coke and a hamburger were judged to be appropriate
modern equivalents, and so were fetched for the student's pleasure. Round one to the
student. Three weeks later, however, he was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword
to the examination.
Incident Two:
At Ohio State University a few years ago around 1,000 students were sitting a Calculus
final exam in a huge lecture hall. The professor in charge of the class wasn't very
well liked. He was one of those people who would stand at the front of the class and
yell out how much time was remaining in the countdown to the end of a test. Since he
was so busy rushing around the room making sure no one was cheating and that everyone
was aware of how much time they had left, he had the students stack the completed tests
on the huge podium at the front of the room. This made for quite a mess since there
were 1000 students in the class.
One student in particular in the class needed a decent grade to pass. His only problem
was that he did poorly when rushed, and this person standing in the front of the room
barking out how much time was left didn't help him at all. Wanting to assure himself
of a good grade, he barely flinched when the professor said "pencils down and stack
your papers in piles at the front of the room". Five minutes turned into ten, ten into
twenty, twenty into forty. Almost an hour after the test was "officially over", the
student finally put down his pencil, gathered up his work, and headed to the front of
the hall to submit his paper. The whole time, the professor sat at the front of the
room, waiting for the student to complete his exam.
"What do you think you're doing?" the professor asked as the student reached the front.
It was clear the professor had waited only to give the student a hard time. "Turning
in my exam," retorted the student confidently. "I'm afraid I have some bad news for
you," the professor gloated, "Your exam is an hour late. You've failed and, consequently,
I'll see you next term when you repeat my course."
The student smiled sweetly and said to the professor "Do you know who I am?" "What?"
replied the professor gruffly, annoyed that the student showed no sign of emotion.
The student rephrased the question, "Do you know what my name is?"
"No", snarled the professor.
The student looked the professor in the eye and said slowly, "I didn't think so. I was
counting on that." He then proceeded to push his test neatly into the centre of one
the stacks and rearrange the pile before turning around and walking casually out of
the huge lecture hall.
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