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Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are uttered, vanish
forever into the air. But such is not the case with language spoken during courtroom
trials, for there exists an army of courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down
and preserve every statement made during the proceedings.
Here are some exerts from actual courtroom transcripts.
Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentative and he couldn't pronounce his words.
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which
I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
The Court: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and
prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the
time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have
brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
Mr. Brooks: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?
Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with
respect to your scalp?
A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of
an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't
it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
Q: Showing man picture. That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."
Sunday School Teacher: "What evident is there in the
Bible that Adam and Eve were noisy?"
Boy: "They raised Cain!"
What a good thing Adam had going. When he said something he knew nobody had said it
before.
A minister was opening his mail one morning. Drawing a single sheet of paper from an
envelope, he found written on it only one word: "FOOL." The next Sunday he announced,
"I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names.
But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and had forgotten
to write a letter."
"There will be a meeting of the Board immediately after the service," announced the
pastor. After the close of the service, the group gathered at the back of the
auditorium for the announced meeting. But there was a stranger in their midst. He was
a visitor who had never attended their church before. "My friend," asked the pastor,
did you understand that this is a meeting of the Board?" "Yes," said the visitor,
"and after that sermon, I'm about as bored as you can get!"
A preacher phoned the city's newspaper. "Thank you very much," said he, "for the
error you made when you announced my sermon topic for last Sunday. The topic I sent
you was 'What Jesus Saw in A Publican.' You printed it as 'What Jesus Saw in a
Republican' I had the biggest crowd of the year!"
After coming out of the baptismal water, a new member exclaimed, "Good grief, preacher, I forgot
to remove my wallet from these trousers. It's dripping wet." "Hallelujah," exulted
the preacher, "We could stand more baptized wallets."
The parson had been disturbed by a person who was a fast reader. "We shall now read
the Twenty-third Psalm in unison," he announced. "Will the lady who is always by
'the still waters' while the rest of us are in 'green pastures,' please wait a minute
until we catch up?"
The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the preacher made an
impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest may in town. At the end of the
message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."
Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder.
He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000."
Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually
screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge." He sat down, and an larger chunk of
plaster fell hitting him on the head. He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will
give $20,000!" This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"
A Small Boy's Prayer
"Dear God, I hope you take care of yourself. 'Cause if anything happens to you,
we would all be in a terrible mess."
The Sunday School teacher was teaching a lesson on creation to a class of children.
"Now, children," she said, "Who can tell us what makes the flower spring from the
seed?" "God does it," answered on little girl, "but fertilizer helps."
Q: Which bible character had no parents?
A: Joshua, son of Nun.
Q: Who is the first man in the bible?
A: Chap 1.
Q: Who was the straightest man in Genesis?
A: Joseph - because he was a ruler.
Did you know that they played tennis in ancient Egypt?
They must have, because Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
Did you know that they had motorbikes in the bible?
Joshua's triumph was heard throughout the land.
Did you know that the apostles drove a Honda?
In Acts is says they were all in one Accord.
Did you know that they had baseball in the bible?
'In the Big Inning'.
Did you know that pharaoh's sister was an excellent financier?
She took a little prophet from the bulrushes.
Also Noah was a nimble cash manager.
He floated his assets while the world was in liquidation.
Two goldfish in a bowl talking:
Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God?
Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water?
A religious man who reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to church. Alarmed
by the man's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the priest visited
the man. "How come after all these years we don't see you at services?" "Well,
father," the old man replied, "When I reached 105, I figured that God must have
forgotten about me...and I don't want to remind him."
Dear Jesus,
Little Johnny desperately wanted a bright red wagon for Christmas. His friends were
writing letter to Santa Claus, but Johnny decided to go one better.
"Dear Jesus," he wrote. "If I get a red wagon for Christmas, I won't fight with my
brother Hank for a year." Then Johnny thought, Oh, no, Hank is such a brat, I could
never, ever keep that promise. So Johnny threw away the letter and started again.
"Dear Jesus, if I get a red wagon for Christmas, I will eat all my vegetables for a
year." Then Johnny thought, Oh, no, that means spinach, broccoli and asparagus. Yuck!
I could never ever keep that promise.
Suddenly Johnny had an idea. He went downstairs to the living room. From the mantel
above the fireplace, he grabbed the family's statue of the Virgin Mary. Taking the
statue to the kitchen he wrapped it in newspapers and stuffed it into a grocery bag.
He took the bag upstairs to his room, opened the closet and placed the package in the
farthest, darkest corner. He then closed the closet door, took a new sheet of paper
and wrote, "Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again..."
Cats In Heaven
A little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone, his cat gets killed. His
mother is very concerned about how he will take the news. Upon his arrival home, she
explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, "But don't worry, the cat
is in heaven with God now."
To which the boy replied, "What's God gonna' do with a dead cat?"
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