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7
The Differences Between Men and Women
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He
asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A
few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy
themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a
while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to
Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you
realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly
six months?"
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very
loud silence. She thinks to herself: Gee, I wonder if it bothers him
that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our
relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of
obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so
I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going
the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we
going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of
intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a
lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I
really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was ... let's see ...
February when we started going out, which was right after I had the
car at the dealer's, which means ... lemme check the odometer ...
Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe
I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our
relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed --
even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes,
I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about
his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the
transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not
shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold
weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this
thing is shifting like a stinking garbage truck, and I paid those
incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be
angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I
can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day
warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say.
And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a
knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right
next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person
I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A
person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic
fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them
a worthless warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up
their .... .
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes
beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have ... Oh, I
feel so ... so ..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I
really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no
horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that ... It's that I ... I need some time," Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can,
tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one
that he thinks might work.)
"Yes," he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him
to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it
involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Roger." she says.
"Thank you." says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted,
tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to
his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately
becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two
Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses
of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in
the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever
understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think
about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of
them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours.
In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and
everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every
word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering
every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this
subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any
definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual
friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and
say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
In The Beginning
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Tommy, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and asked,
"Tommy, what's the matter?"
Little Tommy responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm gonna have a wife."
The Shipwrecked Engineer
or
The Island Engineer
An engineer took a cruise to the Caribbean. It was wonderful; the experience of his
life. But, alas, a hurricane came up unexpectedly and the ship went down. He was swept
onto the shore of an island. No people, no supplies, nothing.
He explored but found nothing other that some bananas and coconuts. He was desperate
and forlorn, but what could he do? For the next four months he ate bananas, drank
coconut juice and looked for a ship to come to his rescue.
One day, he spotted a rowboat coming from what looked like the other side of the island.
In it was a gorgeous woman: She was tawny and tanned, and her hair flowing in the
breeze gave her an ethereal quality.
When she reached him, he asked excitedly, "where did you come from? How did you get
here?" She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. My cruise ship sank four
months ago." "Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of
you are there? You are really lucky that a rowboat washed up with you."
There is no one else--only me," she said, " and the rowboat didn't wash up. I built it
out of raw material I found on the island. The oars I whittled from gum tree branches,
I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from an eucalyptus."
"But--but," asked the man, "What did you use for tools?"
"Oh, no problem," replied the woman, "On the south side of the island there is a very
unusual stratum of alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature
in my kiln, it melted into forgeable iron. But enough of that," she said. Where do you
live?"
The man confessed he had been sleeping on the beach. "Let's row over to my place,"
she said. So they got into the rowboat and left for her side of the island. The woman
tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk
to an exquisite bungalow. "It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Would you
like a drink?" "No," he answered, "One more coconut juice and I will puke." "I have a
still," said the woman, "How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch. After
a while, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?" "No," the man
replied, "I was clean shaven all my life."
"Well, if you would like to shave, there is a razor in the cabinet in the upstairs
bathroom."
The man, no longer questioning anything, went to the bathroom. In the cabinet was a
razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to an edge were fastened to its end
inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back downstairs.
"You look great," she said. "I think I will slip into something more comfortable."
After a short time, she returned wearing strategically positioned fig leaves and
smelling faintly of gardenia. "Tell me," she asked, "We have both been out here for a
very long time with no companionship. Have you been lonely? Is there anything that
you miss? Something that all men crave? Something that would be really nice to have...
right now?"
"Yes there is," the man replied, eyes gleaming as he moved closer to her. "Tell me --
Do you have ... an internet connection?"
Jesus vs. Satan
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes-on for
a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set
themselves before their computers and begin.
They type furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming onto their screens.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out
the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the
contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset and cries,
"I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went-out" "Very well, then" says God,
"let us see if Jesus fared any better." Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes
to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, "But how?! I lost everything yet Jesus' program is
intact! How did He do it?"
God chuckles, "JESUS SAVES."
Job Applicant Stories
We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews
thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt.
Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly.
But some job applicants go light years beyond this. A survey was done on top personnel
executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual
behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:
1. Said he was so well-qualified [that] if he didn't get the job, it would prove that
the company's management was incompetent.
2. Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.
3. Brought her large dog to the interview.
4. Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles.
5. Candidate kept giggling through serious interview.
6. She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.
7. Balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later,
wearing a hairpiece.
8. Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.
9. Asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified
to judge the candidate.
10. Announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries
in the interviewer's office.
11. Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of the
interview.
12. Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as financial vice president.
13. Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate
logo tattooed on his forearm.
14. Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview
questions.
15. Wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police.
16. When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my
office.
17. Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him.
18. Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the
company because I was given such a thick carpet.
19. Took a brush out of my purse, brushed his hair and left.
20. Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected
photos of everyone who interviewed him.
21. Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to insure that the offer was
formal.
22. Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much.
23. During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case.
He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.
24. A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of
the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?"
I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further."
He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more." I didn't hire him, but
later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.
25. An applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the other shoe was
stolen off her foot in the bus.
26. His attaché [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing
ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.
27. He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception area. He didn't
want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require indoor parking for the moped.
28. He took off his right shoe and sock, removed a medicated foot powder and dusted
it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back the shoe and sock, he
mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day, and this was the time.
29. Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office
needed proof that he was looking for one.
30. He whistled when the interviewer was talking.
31. Asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said
it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called
security.
32. She threw-up on my desk, and immediately started asking questions about the job,
like nothing had happened.
33. Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not
hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be
hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case,
flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.
34. Asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview.
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