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8
The Rest of the Definitions
Medical Lingo
Artery: The Study of Painting
Bacteria: The back door of the cafeteria
Barium: What doctors do when their patients die
Bowel: A letter like A, E, I, O or U
CAT Scan: Searching for a kitty
Cauterize: To make eye contact with a girl
Coma: A punctuation mark
Enema: Someone who is not your friend
Fester: Quicker
Fibula: A small lie
Labor Pain: When you get hurt at work
Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates
Node: Was aware of
Outpatient: A patient who fainted
Pelvis: An Elvis impersonator
Recovery Room: A place to do upholstery
Secretion: Something you don't want anyone to know
Seizure: A Roman emperor
Tablet: A small table
Terminal: Where the planes land
Urine: Opposite of "you're out"
Varicose: Nearby
Vein: To be conceited
Only A Parent Knows The True Meaning
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
Full Name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
Ow: The first word spoken by children with older siblings
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.
Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
Two-Minute Warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
Verbal: Able to whine in words
Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house
You Know You're Getting Older When…
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
You feel like the night after, and you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
You get winded playing chess.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.
Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."
You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.
Dialing long distance wears you out.
You're startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer.
You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.
You burn the midnight oil until 9 p.m.
Your back goes out more often than you do.
A fortune teller offers to read your face.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.
The little gray haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
A second grader arrived home after school and shocked his mother by announcing, "Today
we learned how to make babies." Risking further embarrassment, the mother ask for details
on how to make babies." "It's simple, the boy replied, "Just drop the'y' and add 'ies."
At a pharmacy, Judi asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her
arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she
would figure the infant's weight by weighing Judi and baby together on the adult
scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.
"It won't work," Judi countered. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."
Poor Uncle Bob, he was such an unlucky man! Here's how unlucky he was: once when he
was digging around in his attic, he uncovered what looked like a magic lamp. He
picked it up and rubbed it, and lo and behold, a genie came out of the lamp, and
bestowed on Uncle Bob the Midas Touch! And, alas, for the rest of his life,
everything he touched turned into a muffler.
A man was driving along in his beat up old dodge, when suddenly it broke down. He was
parked on the side of the road trying fix it, when a Jaguar pulled up in front of him
and offered to help. After a few minutes the two men obviously weren't going to get
the old car going again, so the Jaguar driver offered to tow the Dodge to the nearest
garage.
A few minutes later the two had hitched up the old Dodge to the Jaguar, and they agreed
that if the Jaguar driver was going too fast, the man should blow his horn and flash
his lights to get him to slow down. With that the two men got into their cars and the
Jaguar driver started to pull away with the Dodge behind it.
At the first traffic light, a Ferrari pulled up beside the Jaguar and started to rev
his engine. As soon as the light turned green the Ferrari and the Jaguar hit their
accelerators and took off. Before long the cars were racing at over 120 mph. As the
cars speed along, they passed through a police speed trap. The officer couldn't believe
his eyes when he saw the three cars go by, and he decided that he couldn't catch them
all by himself, so he decided to radio for help: "You won't believe what I just saw!
I saw a Ferrari and a Jaguar doing 120 mph side by side, and a beat up old Dodge behind
them flashing his lights and blowing his horn trying to get by!"
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop
high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just
roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out. When the
fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How
high do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless
somebody locks the gate at night!"
Please Name Your Child
In another country there is a law that says that all babies must be named within 24
hours of birth. It is the father's responsibility to see to it the baby is named.
The law states that if the father is not available within 24 hours, his brother shall
name it, and so on down the line.
One day, a woman delivered twins a few weeks early. The father was away on a business
trip, and every effort was made to locate him, but to no avail. So, in keeping with
the law, the father's brother named the twins. When the father arrived back home and
heard this, he was upset because he knew that his brother was a jokester. So, when he
asked, "what was the name of the girl?" he was pleasantly surprised to hear that he
had named her Denise.
"That's not a bad name at all. Maybe I was worried for nothing" he said. "What did
my brother name my son?" The answer came back, "DeNephew."
Why won't melons elope in Las Vegas? They cantaloupe.
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
Once I got angry at the chef of an Italian restaurant, so I gave him a pizza my mind.
Pop Quiz
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) How long did the Thirty Years War last?
1) 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
2) Ecuador.
3) From sheep and horses.
4) November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
5) Squirrel fir.
6) The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.
7) Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of Queen Victoria
that no future king should ever be called Albert.
8) Distinctively crimson.
9) New Zealand.
10) Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.
Strange!
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on
his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby
would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested
an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."
That way,if anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to
remark: "That's Strange!"
I was talking to a friend and told him my grandpa had a wooden leg. He said, "That's
nothing - my grandma had a cedar chest."
The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians.
They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph.D., for the Journal of Court
Reporting.
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely
disappeared.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition,
and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40
pound weight gain in the past three days.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early
December.
The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail
until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer
looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's
wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
Irritation, Aggravation, and Frustration
A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and
frustration.
Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered he
asks, "Can I speak to Alf, please?"
"No! There's no one called Alf here." The person hangs up.
"That's irritation," says Dad.
He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Alf a second time.
"No -- there's no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone
the police."
"That's aggravation."
"Then what's 'frustration'?" asks his son.
The father picks up the phone and dials a third time:
"Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?"
Texan at Niagra Falls
A Texan, complete with boots and cowboy hat, was standing admiring the beauty of the
Niagra Falls. A fellow from New York sarcastically commented, "I'll bet you don't
have anything like this in Texas". "No," drawled the Texan without even glancing at
the arrogant New Yorker, "but we've got plumbers who could fix it!"
Guilty or Not Guilty?
A defendant was on trial for murder in Oklahoma. There was strong evidence indicating
guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer,
knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick: "Ladies
and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he
looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will
walk into this courtroom."
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on
eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all
looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt
in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of
not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury
returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You
must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." The jury foreman
replied: "Oh, we thought about that and realized that all of us did look, but your
client didn't."
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